Why we should not compare some children with others
Parents tend to compare some children with others even when they are very small. We compare our children with their schoolmates or with their friends in the park and we compare the brothers continuously with each other. What do we want to achieve when we compare our child with other children or with
Parents tend to compare some children with others even when they are very small. We compare our children with their schoolmates or with their friends in the park and we compare the brothers continuously with each other.
What do we want to achieve when we compare our child with other children or with their siblings?
Why parents compare some children with others
On the one hand, we want to motivate our son to take as a model his brother or that classmate and behave like him. That they acquire that ability, that behavior, that quality that we adults consider to be admirable and can be beneficial for our son.
On the other hand, we are letting glimpse the desire of the parents of how we want our children to be, because we consider that quality to be positive for our children. Without leaving space to the real characteristics of our child, which may be different from the one we are trying to model for that other child, probably because we see that quality as beneficial and advantageous for them.
But what really happens with our children when we compare them? Is it really beneficial to compare some children with others?
Consequences in the child of comparing him with others
The consequences of comparing children are many but none of them achieves the effects that we intend. The main consequences are:
1. We create envy among children.The children perceive that comparison as the love of the parents between the children is divided according to those qualities that the parents admire in one son if and in another no. This creates envy and jealousy among the brothers that can awaken disagreements between our children.
2. We hurt our son's self-esteem. We are telling you that your qualities do not value them, that the qualities we value are those that they do not have. This can make children feel insecure, useless, less loved, making it difficult for them to acquire healthy self-esteem. Cre 3. We create rivalry with other children:
In comparison with other children as well as with siblings, we dynamit the relationship of our child with that child whom they see as a rival and perceive him / her as more accepted by their parents than the same . How to help the child acquire positive qualities or behavior without comparing
Reinforcing positive behaviors. Our children surely have thousands of positive and beneficial qualities, surely they will be more tender, more sympathetic, funnier, more studious, smarter than other children. We must let them know that we value all the positive qualities they have. And not just point and focus on the negatives.
The way to motivate our children to acquire positive behaviors is to reinforce those behaviors when it appears, but not because it is personalized by another partner or another sibling. This is how we will motivate our children to acquire that behavior without feeling compared to other peers in the negative.
We have to let our children know that we accept them as they are with their virtues and aspects of improvement, but that the aspects to be improved does not influence our love for them.